mainstream SHAMESTREAM

Being alternative was a big issue in 2013. No one wanted to ride the main-stream when it was so controversial we didn't know whether it was ok or not. Ppl liked Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines but got DUNKED for being a supporter of this misogynistic man. Ppl were feeling Miley Cyrus' Can't Stop but were SLAMMED for being a fan of a major appropriator of black culture. You thought it was safe to throwback to R Kelly? THINK AGAIN you're going to get SPACEJAMMED because the media's remembered he was a huge paedo. I am running out of basketball verbs but basically 2013 was not a good year for riding the mainstream wave. So we all tried that bit extra to be a lil alternative.

(UPDATE: DRIBBLED is a good b-ball verb that I failed to use in the previous paragraph I am aware of this so pls look past it)

Begging the alternative life is not a good move. It's a try hard move. It's a move I am not about. I'm not going with the line of argument that mainstream culture is popular for a reason (although v true). The fact is: ALT LIFE is UNPOPULAR for a reason - a lot of it is hideously tacky and embarrassing.

If you don't understand what I'm talking about then I shall exemplify it with the biggest mainstream vs alt debate of our time: Simon or Garfunkel. Ok this one is easy - if you're #TEAMGARFUNKEL then u need to shut your lying mouth and gar the funkel out of here. I own Fate For Breakfast, Art's no.2 uk chart album featuring one of my fave album covers of all time (there were so many great photos to choose from that they released several).

 (A gripping trilogy, although there are even more out there. I own the seductive third one which is the coveted vinyl version.) Anyway - this lp is bad. IT'S SO BAD I LISTEN TO IT WHEN I'M JOKING. If you ever say you genuinely think this joker's solo stuff is better than our g-d Paul Simon's then you're either trying too hard to be alternative or u have tinnitus which I am v. sorry about.

These tacky alternatives are probably the same ppl who buy newly released vinyls in 2013. YEH the snap crackle and pop of records may sound ultra cool but my friend you are dropping £50 on a record player from ebay and £20 on the lp just to listen to Vampire Weekend pretend they're actually from 1985. Ur nostalgia for an era that wasn't even urs is tacky bye.

Buying vinyls in your #TEAMGARFUNKEL shirt is the least of my worries though. Your alternative lifestyle of buying organic soya chai tea is extra tacky. CHAI TEA are u joking w/ me? It's so overpriced they named it twice (british ppl u look so dumb right now all ur ex-british colonies r laughing at u because u keep saying it twice u couldn't even take a minute out of ur pillaging of resources to address this tautology? my friend, CHAI MEANS TEA oh my god my ancestors' ghosts take a shot everytime an english person says chai tea it brings them back 2 life). You're paying £3.50 for something you could've made at home with a 20p tea bag just so you can keep that stupid starbucks xmas red cup as a pencil pot are u for real? With £3.50 you can make 17 cups of fine chai tea at home and keep the extra 30p as tip 4 ur gr8 barista work. I hope u enjoy your expensive weak leaf water whilst eating ur extortionately priced churros from south bank smh che guevara did not die for this.


I hear some non believers that know me crying out BUT SADIA UR THE BEGGIEST ALTSTER EVR SO U CANT EVEN CHAT KMT STEP DOWN, I SWEAR YOU THRIFT? THAT'S SO WACKLEMORE!  Thrift is some glamorous 'united states of the americas' word for wearing hand-me-downs and buying jackets from probably unregistered charity shops. Since when has skintness become trendy? Expensive clothes that are made to look vintage - now that is tacky. Am Apparel sell a 'vintage minnesota gophers ice hockey championship t-shirt'. Ur friends are going 2 grill u about how the game was and u weren't even alive to see it. If ur a millennium kid then not even ur parents were alive u can't even pretend it was handed down oh my god all ur friends now think ur a beg. Is losing the respect of ur peers really worth 44 british pound sterling? Why are ppl buying 'vintage argyle lambswool and angora mock neck sweaters' for £87?? I swear there was a national holiday in the early 2000s when everyone had to burn every mock neck sweater they owned. Vintage as a fashion is NOT KOOL. 2013 has been the year of the thrift store IDEOLOGY but we're still buying our vintage from River Island - we've been hit by social cryptoamnesia; let's put away those cut-off jeans and go have a lie down. we've dissociated thrifting from poor peepz and turned it into some sort of alt fashion statement and I can't go for that cya.

Why do we even try and be alternative anymore? If we all do the same thing don't we just become the new majority except a lil bit more annoying?? 2013 was full of us youth begging it with our TWICE TEA, nostalgia for bad music and ugly sweaters just 2 seem alternative. I accept that some of us may genuinely have a refined taste for weird privilege music or drink assam instead of english breakfast tea - just don't use your expensive alt lifestyle as a bragging point when others of us weren't blessed with such cultural capital and elongated access to the internet. We've been overthinking everything just to construct coolness when coolness should come from within. In 2014 I propose we all cool it just a bit. Drop this beggy shame of 'mainstream culture' and be chill - a new year's resolution 4 us all.